Why I’m guarded

Oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh

You were in college, working part-time, waiting tables

Left a small town, never looked back

I was a flight risk, with a fear of fallin’

Wondering why we bother with love, if it never lasts

I say, “Can you believe it?”

As we’re lyin’ on the couch

The moment, I can see it

Yes, yes, I can see it now

Do you remember, we were sittin’, there by the water?

You put your arm around me for the first time

You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter

You are the best thing, that’s ever been mine

Flash forward, and we’re takin’ on the world together

And there’s a drawer of my things at your place

You learn my secrets and you figure out why I’m guarded

You say we’ll never make my parents’ mistakes

And we got bills to pay

We got nothin’ figured out

When it was hard to take

Yes, yes

This is what I thought about

Do you remember, we were sittin’ there, by the water?

You put your arm around me, for the first time

You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter

You are the best thing, that’s ever been mine

Do you remember all the city lights on the water?

You saw me start to believe, for the first time

You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter

You are the best thing, that’s ever been mine

Oh, oh, oh, oh

And I remember that fight, two-thirty a.m.

‘Cause everything was slipping right out of our hands

I ran out, crying, and you followed me out into the street

Braced myself for the goodbye,

‘Cause that’s all I’ve ever known

Then, you took me by surprise

You said, “I’ll never leave you alone”

You said, “I remember how we felt, sitting by the water.

And every time I look at you, it’s like the first time.

I fell in love with a careless man’s careful daughter.

She is the best thing that’s ever been mine.”

You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter

You are the best thing, that’s ever been mine

Do you believe it?

We’re gonna make it now

And I can see it

Songwriters: Taylor Swift

Mine lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC


A few reasons I’m “Diana, the crazy Capricorn”…

I’ve always been a bit “left of center” (#MichelleBranch #YouGetMe) because I have this odd trait of not taking #Unsolicited “advice” too seriously–especially when it’s from people I don’t love and respect (most humans, lol).

I try my best to be diplomatic, but the truth is that I don’t hide my emotions well. Why do I #RBF most of the time? It’s not intentional, that’s just how my face rests. Jk, it is intentional because I had the tendency to attract a lot of people that make a pretty nice effort to put me down for their own personal gain. Before the #BasicBitches was a thing, I would liken this level of pure foolishness to “being #BigIs” (my Dad’s quick way of addressing “Big Idiots).

My Dad appears to be the sweetest bear on earth (and he is), but he was also raised to respect others and treat people as a universal member of society. He taught me to have educated opinions, but to also keep them to my damn self if it was something rude. At an early age, my “honesty” was kinda funny but lacked diplomacy most of the time. My Dad won’t admit it, but I inherited his dark, #BillBurr-ish humor and my Mom’s “SoKo” (#SouthKorean) “rudeness” aka “She’s not mean, she’s Korean”. Many think I’m so disrespectful to my Mom, but she always made sure I was honest with my feelings. She also raised me with the belief that we come into the world alone and that human nature = we look out for numero uno: #MeMeMe!

Koreans sometimes come off cold and rude. That would be a fair assessment in comparison to most Americans with their “I’m fine” bullshit. If I’m not feeling fine, I casually mention it with a smile and walk away. When I’m in a weird mood, the last thing I want to do is fake it. I’ll be polite and I avoid complaining, but if I’m feeling shitty, I’ll let strangers know if they ask. Don’t want to hear an unpleasant answer from me? Well, why did you ask?

Some people have accused me of being “fake polite” (something my awesome friend and fellow creative Gillian Bellinger shared). One reason I probably didn’t book a lot of acting work was because I don’t read scripts well if I don’t care about the objective of the scene. I took just about every acting class out there, but I only truly understood acting when I took a Dare to Be Bad session with my mentor Michael Leoni. More on that later.

So, I’m the “crazy Capricorn” because I only care about what my loved ones think of me. I’ve only loved a few people in my lifetime… here are a few common traits of my tribe members:

– genuine

– doesn’t get pissed about my impulsive choices. These amazing people help me clean up messes and don’t ask me dumb questions like: “you really didn’t think this through did you?” For whatever reason, I am very childlike in my spirit and tend to make “cray” choices when I’m not interested in the potential decision: buying a car, choosing stuff to wear for someone else’s wedding, deciding what to eat, etc.

– witty in a kinda f***ed up way that resonates with me. I’m not weird, but I do gauge potential friends by the way they respond to awful stuff. If it scares people away, it’s ok! I just don’t like to be too polite around friends. The main difference between acquaintances and friends: friends are cool with the ugly stuff in addition to the nice stuff.

– other stuff

Unless I care about whatever it is, I’m totes good with whatever if it makes someone else happy. I am oddly selective with certain things like my clothes, shower heads (water pressure from stationary shower heads because I love showers, not for clitoral stimulation–I have a vibrator for that), hotels, airlines, sound systems, lighting, customer service (directed to someone I love), wallets, my home layout and the people in my life. Why these particulars? It’s because these areas are where I find grounding. I am constantly stressed because I spend so much time managing my emotions (to make sure others aren’t affected) and I do need to decompress or I’ll be even more crazy lol.

Depression, Fears, Friendship, Insecurities, Starting Over

A few reasons I don’t have any friends (in Orange County)

I have reached rock bottom. Don’t believe me? Well, last week, I posted an ad seeking “strictly platonic” friends on the clearance shelf of the Internet: Craigslist. I can’t even bring myself to tell my friends the whole story of the current lag in my social life. I didn’t lie, but I definitely left out keywords such as “Craigslist” and “strangers”.

Last year, I moved back to California and accepted a position nearly 40 miles away from the only place that truly felt like home: Studio City. Admittedly, I felt lost and didn’t have a specific goal other than securing employment with health benefits. I was very fortunate to start working within a few weeks of reaching out to someone who gave me a chance. It was a significant shift and my skillset was far from aligned with the responsibilities of the position I was offered. In a state of panic, I immediately accepted the position and thought I would be able to commute nearly 80 miles a day.

Although I have always struggled to perform well, I’ve had a lot of support from the management. While I do receive a lot of encouragement, I can’t seem to stop beating myself up about my performance. In addition to feeling like a constant failure, I also wasn’t ready to suck so hard AND feeling unsettled in just about every area of my life. The commute had started to become exhausting and I eventually stopped having a social life in exchange for sleep. I didn’t have the motivation to work on creative projects. Completing basic tasks such as laundry and brushing my hair became great accomplishments.

I subtly slipped into a season of depression–an inevitable and familiar nest of doom that accompanies burnout. In addition to the stresses of commuting and nearly no social interaction outside of work, I also have some other details I just can’t bring myself to share with anyone. Above all, I’m disappointed in my inability to be optimistic. Although I’ve had several seasons of depression, I was still able to maintain a positive attitude (with a twist of slightly dark humor). When people tell me to “have a positive attitude”, I only feel more sad because it’s a reminder of my incessant fear that I may have lost the ability to see/share the light.

Whoa… that took a pretty emo turn. Where was I going with this? Oh, right: Why I don’t have any friends (in Orange County). I think it’s quite clear that I’m not ready to connect with new people in my current state of blahhh. It’s also unexpectedly challenging to make friends at 33. As I composed a “here’s where I’m meeting my potential friend in case you never hear from me again” text to my LA friend (who insists I tell her when I meet strangers), I realized that I was about to enter a pretty risky rabbit hole of desperation and a probable future storyline of Criminal Minds.

The truth is that my energy is better spent working on sifting through the internal garbage and tidying up. Instead of seeking external temporary fixes, it’s a good time to focus on getting myself back on track. WTF does that mean and how will I do it?

You’ll see…

#DoingMe, #EmbraceYourFuckedUpNess, Ambivert, Depression, Fears, Friendship, Insecurities, Kindness, Love, Relationships, Social Anxiety, Starting Over

Why I don’t feel as pressured to love and be loved

Shortly after moving back to Los Angeles in September 2016, I had sparked a curiosity regarding the way I receive love. In September, I was a mess. I’ve had a lot of uncomfortable seasons in my life, but they were never able to break me down quite like the events of this past summer. It makes a lot of sense that “Words of Affirmation” and “Physical Touch” were the top two. In seasons of “very shitty and vulnerable”, words of encouragement and cuddles are exponentially more valuable and sought after.

When I get really honest with myself, I’ve never enjoyed dating and casual sex. I’m socially awkward and have zero clue how to relate to men who aren’t my friends. I learned about men through my two best friends I met in first grade. They are exceptional humans now, but quite inappropriate and unfiltered (just like me) as kids. Although I have a lot of feminine qualities, my approach to dating mirrors more closely to an insecure man who so desperately just wants to meet a nice person who isn’t going to key his car or try to kill him in his sleep.

I had gotten a bit too comfortable with pervy vernacular as a young person and never quite transitioned into how to have a conversation “like a lady”. I used to think I was a “sexual deviant magnet”, but recently realized that the common denominator was always me. Since I never felt attractive growing up, I dated with a lens of being overly grateful for any attention from the opposite sex. At the same time, I didn’t allow myself to want anything more than what I felt I deserved: not very much.

Since moving back, I learned a lot about what I genuinely seek in relationships (both platonic and romantic) from people who have lived with me either through AirBnB and house guest situations. One of my biggest fears in life is coming home to a place that doesn’t feel like home. My anxiety about living arrangements started while I was researching Long-Term Care Insurance for a public awareness campaign I had worked on as an AmeriCorps VISTA. Being completely dependent on someone in a negative environment is an absolute nightmare. It’s something very few people think about until they reach a stage of their lives that require assistance for Activities of Daily Living (ADL) like bathing, toileting, etc.

The desire to come home to a home that felt safe and fulfilling became a HUGE priority for me. I made every effort to create a home that makes me happy and meticulously selected the people I chose to share in this space. I was happily surprised to learn that I enjoy living with someone and not all experiences will be like before. My recent experience was by far the most healing because I unexpectedly learned how to create more opportunities to prioritize my needs/wants. While a lot of people can figure that stuff on their own, I’ve always required a lot of guidance with the self-love stuff. I’ve been so fortunate to be surrounded by very kind people (through friendships and work relationships) who have shifted my perspective on how to love and be loved in return.

It doesn’t surprise me that the way I prefer to be loved has shifted. I’m no longer in a place where I feel loved primarily through words and cuddles. Now that I feel more comfortable receiving love, I have opened up to trusting that people don’t typically do nice things because they “feel bad” for me.


“How to Love” by Lil Wayne best describes why I didn’t feel brave enough to invest in healthy relationships until now. I knew I needed to work on how to receive love when I listened to this song and thought, “damn, Lil Wayne gets me”.

We are all constantly evolving and love doesn’t have to last forever. Sometimes we meet exceptional people who show us how to love and be loved in return. Experiences will motivate us to shift in the people we keep close in our lives. For the first time in my life, I don’t feel pressured to have the next relationship last “forever”. The experience of sharing your life with someone who “loves you just as you are” is worth the risk of being heartbroken and sobbing to Taylor Swift’s Back to December in your underwear next to bottle of cheap Prosecco (unfortunately, this is real life sometimes). Be brave and don’t settle for anything less than the feeling of “home” (whatever that may be for you!).

#DoingMe, #EmbraceYourFuckedUpNess, Boundaries, Dating, Fears, Friendship, Insecurities, Jobs, Kindness, Love, Relationships, Social Anxiety, Starting Over

Why I Feel “Friends with Benefits” Does Not Work

I don’t need a lot to be content in life. I have a beautiful home, wonderful friends and a promising new career in the making. Life is good. In addition to the above, I require basic needs like a peaceful environment (which I have now compliments of the best roommate ever!) and showers twice a day. I am pretty neurotic with hygiene because kids were mean to me during my childhood and I feel really self-conscious about body odor.

This morning I woke up at 5am upon waking from one of of the best night’s sleep I’ve had in months. I jumped in the shower to find out there was no hot water. I was furious because it was the second time it happened in a week. I was so desperate for a shower and googled things like “how to shower without hot water”. Most responses involved “suck it up and deal with it” or “just use a lot of deodorant”–both options that are 0% helpful and not going to happen.

I started boiling water in hopes of having a bath until the water came back for a proper shower. I wasted about an hour of my morning obsessing over a shower I wasn’t going to have until later. At a certain point, I gave up and accepted the reality that I would need to explore other options. As I was sitting in my bathroom feeling defeated, I thought about a conversation I had with my life coach and friend, “Dare to be Bad” author and amazing creative genius, Michael Leoni. A few weeks ago, he had what my colleague Jeff refers to as a “come to Jesus” talk.

It got real #QuickAF. He told me that I needed to work on the way I fall in love with potential romantic partners. Two months ago, I left a party early because I was so desperate to spend the evening with someone I didn’t want to admit that I had liked as more than a friend. I realize now that it was pretty shitty as I always keep my commitments with important people. It was a HUGE reality check because I knew I had really fucked up. Once again, I had compromised myself to accommodate someone who just saw me as a stepping stone to someone he wanted to be with long-term.

I really respect Michael for so many reasons. In addition to having a level of cognizance I rarely see in people (especially in LA), he is also immensely talented and so kind. We clicked straight away and it was one of those “yeah, we totally hung out in a past life” feelings. I’ve had that with a few people in my life and it’s always been one of those VERY easy, reciprocal friendships that just make my life brighter. While SEVERAL of my friends have told me to move on from this obvious train wreck, I finally started to realize I have fallen back into the pattern of chasing something that doesn’t exist: my perception of a love that isn’t real.


Although I’m pretty good when it comes to offering advice to friends, I’m horrible in navigating my own relationships. When I have a relationship, it’s mostly about fucking around and sometimes that leads to my boyfriends (or their new girlfriends) threatening to kill me and my pets. While only one weirdo wanted to kill my bunny Sir Thomas Poops A Lot, I feel that once is enough motivation to change my ways.

At the moment, my friendship that Michael and I discussed feels like a bad marriage on its way to divorce. A month ago, I wrote him a very awkward email confessing my “more than friends” feelings and he told me he only saw me as a friend and “understood how hard it is to like someone who doesn’t return your feelings”. I was so embarrassed, but I didn’t want that to take away from a friendships we’ve fostered for many years. I’m not sure what it’s like for other people, but when someone tells me they don’t like me back, I’m okay. I’ve had A LOT of practice with rejection and it doesn’t sit the same with me anymore.

I also don’t believe in the concept of “unrequited love”. WTF is that? One-sided love isn’t real. Yeah, there are many stories of people who “fought” for someone. Well, great. I’m sure it’s really swell to finally win someone who probably just got tired of being on Bumble and forced themselves to feel okay about entertaining a relationship that might organically come together.

I have a few friends whose parents were in arranged marriages and it worked out nicely. The difference there likely stems from starting with a clean slate. Your family (hopefully) is very thoughtful of the match and the couple hopefully had a good attitude about it and opens up to the possibility of love. One thing that is obviously missing from relationships in 2016 is that we have a hard time gauging the fine line between “not compatible” and “compatible, but needs some improvement in communication”.

America is a very wasteful country. We always want the new TV, the new Louis Vuitton purse, the new new new, etc. We have the same practices when it comes to relationships sometimes. We are motivated by our own ego instead of what’s best for the team. I know this is all easier said than done, but I think this may be why several of my ex-boyfriends want to “try again”. On social media, I appear to be a non-committal bitch who treats men like disposable Tupperware, but the truth is that I’ve always operated better in a monogamy and I work really hard to do my part to sustain my relationships.

I don’t fall in love easily. Most friends think I make horrible decisions when it comes to boyfriends, but the truth is that they mostly heard the bad stories and never really got to know them on a personal level. With the exception of my friends Koko, Angela and Annie, none of my friends spent a lot of time with anyone I’ve dated. I know that’s weird, but I’m working on it!

We have a tendency to only draw from two types of perceptions when we fall out of love:

A. Longing – an unrealistic collage of happy memories completely missing the many points of why it didn’t work out.

B. Fuck off – also an unrealistic view of a relationship that was actually not ALL bad. For me, I always went on Plan B as a defense mechanism because I didn’t want to feel the pain of missing my best friend.

When I look back at the commonalities of my past boyfriends, they all had very kind hearts (with the exception of one who was a rebound). I’ve always been insecure about being a Little Person and it’s still hard for me to believe someone would feel proud to be seen with me. While I’ve never had a “conventional” relationship, all of my partners had the capacity to see me as a person and affirmed me in ways that weren’t common on most days. These guys were always very encouraging of my dreams. They supported my “silly” goals and we would often find ways for me to get there.

Recently, I’ve tried to get back into non-committal mode because as Michael pointed out, I had become enamored by someone who didn’t return my feelings. Unfortunately for me and my high sex drive, I can no longer enjoy casual sex. I long for a healthy, monogamous relationship with someone I may share a health insurance plan (marriage and stuff).

On my way back from the 2.5 hour commute from work last night, I revisited my talk with Michael. He was right. I had fallen hard and wasn’t able to truly embrace and appreciate my own gifts because I still sought validation from someone who is going out of his way to reinforce that he’s just not that into me. Whenever we talk now, the conversation is solely about who he’s trying to date. I want him to be happy, but the consistent reminder that I’m not someone he wants has reached a point of being annoying and rude.

I think a lot of people find themselves in the “friend zone”–being that temporary space filler until someone better comes along. It’s a really stupid place to be and the decision to leave is an important one. The really awful aspect of “unrequited love” is that it leads you to believe that it’s actually “love” when it might not be. Although there is a chance it could evolve into something more, the reality is that being benched in the “friend zone” is only okay if you’re willing to SOLELY play the role of the friend. Having expectations of being anything more will only slowly kills your confidence and stop you from meeting someone who wants you on their team. Don’t settle for something that doesn’t exist.

Download the Bumble app RIGHT now and create your next mistakes great experiences! In my opinion, people are much cooler there! Tindr is fun, but that’s mostly for getting your dick sucked and since I don’t have one, I deleted it.

#DoingMe, #EmbraceYourFuckedUpNess, Ambivert, Anxiety, Boundaries, Dating, Disability, Fears, Friendship, Insecurities, Kindness, Love, Relationships, Social Anxiety, Starting Over

A Few Reasons Relationships Get Weird


Prior to my abrupt move to Los Angeles via Hawaii, I reconnected with a man I met when I first moved back to Honolulu in 2013. In typical 2000s fashion, he sent me a message on OkCupid, but unlike previous “hook ups”, he started the conversation with more than the boring, “hey.” I was instantly smitten by his profile photo and immediately contributed to the budding conversation. We didn’t meet in person for about a month and mostly kept in touch via texts and occasional phone calls.  When we finally met in person, we had one of those serendipitous connections I only saw in movies. I asked him to meet me in my car because I felt insecure. I didn’t want our first meeting to include kids teasing me, ignorant comments, etc. that typically happens when I’m in Hawaii. I really liked him and just wanted a chance to get to know him without the everyday garbage of being “different” in Hawaii.

Within two minutes, he leaned over to kiss me. In my 20s, I would’ve been fine with instant gratification. However, this time, I just wanted to get to know him first because I genuinely wanted to get to know him. Instead of telling him the truth and revealing my desire to have more than just another hook-up, I got weird and said something along the lines of, “whoa, I don’t even know if you’re not just here to drug me and steal my kidneys (I had just watched a weird episode of Nip/Tuck). I have a habit of making really intense comments when I feel vulnerable. Some people think it’s funny while “well-adjusted” people think I’m crazy. I’m sure both parties are correct!

We took things very slowly for about another month. Since I only really knew how to be in non-committal partnerships, I often wondered if he was even attracted to me. A few years prior, I met a 20-year-old UCLA student (when I was 25) near his dorm room because I didn’t want him to know where I lived. We seemed to have a nice conversation, but nothing happened. When I arrived home, he sent me a text and told me that he wasn’t attracted to me enough to have sex, but he wanted me to drive back and give him a blowjob. While I do have self-esteem issues, driving from Hollywood back to Westwood was absolutely not going to happen (mostly because gas was so expensive at the time). I can’t remember if I responded or not, but that child pissed me off and I was done with young, socially awkward frat boys).

Eight years later, I still feel weird when a man doesn’t make a move on the first date. Before I met this serendipitous dreamboat, I had never met a man who didn’t try to have sex with me on the first date. As I learned more about dating (reading books like “Why Men Love Bitches”), I started waiting to have sex because men do tend to lose interest (and respect). While all situations are different, there is value in getting to know someone on a deeper level before engaging in sexual stuff. I know I’ve stayed WAY too long in bad relationships because I was too lazy (and afraid) to find someone new.

There are many reasons I’m weird in dating. Some people think I’m a sex addict, but the truth is that I never really learned how to date. I went on my first date when I was 22, much later than most women. I didn’t have the opportunity to make those silly mistakes when I was in high school or undergrad. I felt ugly for most of my life and when I finally met someone who thought I was okay, I took a crash course in finding my sexual identity. While I personally feel that waiting until marriage to have sex is a bad idea, I do agree that one’s first sexual experience will definitely have an impact on one’s sexual identity.

I have another friend who also had sex for the first time at age 22. She waited for different reasons (religion? had comprehensive sex-ed? wasn’t weird?) and her boyfriend create a very special evening for her because he was definitely raised right (and probably cuddled his Mom). He booked a beautiful hotel at a resort in the North Shore and it turned out to be one of the most memorable evenings of her life. When I heard that story, I felt awful because it made me sad for my 22-year-old self because my first time wasn’t quite as nice. I was 30 when she shared her experience and I had finally reached a place in my life where I felt ready to settle down.

When I was 22, I was even more socially awkward than I am now. The first person I had sex with worked across the hall from my office. I was completing one of my mundane tasks and broke their Xerox machine for the 5th time that week. I had met this Sailor (I worked at a Naval Clinic) on my first day. He had gone out of his way to arrange a better parking spot for me and I just thought it was because people in the military had manners (unlike the rest of America!). I remember thinking he was so handsome and kind. …but a man like him would never like someone weird like me.

As he repaired the machine, he asked me if I wanted to see a movie. I almost vomited on the floor from shock. I said, “yeah, that would be cool”. He wrote his number on a post-it and asked me to text my address so he could pick me up after work. In my mind, I thought he was a nice guy who felt sorry for me because I kept breaking everything. I also thought maybe he wanted a new friend since he was in an unfamiliar city. While a VERY small part of me thought that maybe he liked me a little, I didn’t let myself get excited.

He picked me up at exactly 6:00pm and he was super hot. He wore a dress shirt and picked me up in a white Toyota Celica (which was super cool in 2006). We saw Talladega Nights and he grabbed my hand. I was so nervous and perspired so much. It was so bad he had to wipe my sweaty palms on his overpriced denim. He rubbed my back and I was panicking because I didn’t think it was a date. I was zero experienced in the dating department and didn’t want to appear inexperienced at my age. I imagine this is what boy virgins must feel like when they first have sex with a pretty girl. It’s really exciting, yet horrible at the same time.

On the way home, he leaned over and kissed me when he stopped at a traffic light. I had only kissed one other person and had no idea what I was doing. I just followed his rhythm and tried my best not to throw up. When we arrived back at my parent’s place, things escalated quickly. Within five minutes, he gave me my first orgasm by just touching me. Ten minutes later, I was on top of him on the driver’s seat. Was it hot? Kinda, but also really painful. It hurt so bad, but I didn’t want him to know I was a virgin. In the middle of it, I asked him, “uhh, can we do this later?” He saw that I was bleeding and asked me if I was a virgin and I lied. I told him that I just needed to go home because I had to meet friends later (which was true). We made out for a little while and I went home super horrified. As I rode the elevator up to the sixth floor, I was so mad at myself for allowing a stranger to have sex with me without a condom AND bleeding all over a hot guy. I was sure he would never talk to me again and it would be so awkward at work.

I was so surprised that he called me the next day. I had no idea why. I didn’t even call him back right away because I was so nervous. I eventually called him on Sunday in fear of having that inevitable conversation in person at work. He was very sweet and asked to see me again. On our second date, he invited me back to his place and we just talked for a bit before he asked me if we could finish what we started on Friday. I said okay and we had sex again. In the middle of it, I got weird again and asked him, “why do you like me” WHILE he was inside of me. He kissed my neck and said it was because I was “a nice girl”. I bit my lip to stop myself from laughing. As if it wasn’t awkward enough to ask someone mid-sex why they like you, it would’ve just been mean to laugh at such a sweet comment.

We saw each other a few times before I moved to Los Angeles. Two weeks after we started seeing each other, I received an email from his ex-fiancée who had hacked into his email. I received ALL of his e-mail exchanges with about four other women. He had a school girl fetish and asked all of us to wear stockings and Mary Jane shoes. I was too insecure to dress up because I thought he was some kind of pedophile freak and didn’t want to encourage that. The other girls, however, didn’t have a Little Person hang-up and wore their outfits proudly. I was admittedly really angry, mostly because I was so stupid to have unprotected sex with a man who was with a bunch of other women. I was also pissed because I had a lot to do before I moved to LA and now had to get an STI (at the time STD) screening before I left.

Instead of being honest with my feelings, I got crazy with him and told him exactly where to go without thinking about how that would impact him. Yeah, he wasn’t honest about seeing a bunch of girls, but the truth was that I didn’t even ask. I would see him out on the patio frantically trying to explain himself. I felt bad for his main girlfriend because she was so hurt and had reasons to feel deceived. She broke up with him and I’m pretty sure the other girls were pretty upset as well. I, however, enjoyed the intimacy with him and continued to sleep with him until I moved to LA.

Even though it wasn’t a cool thing to do, he later confided that he didn’t have faith in relationships because his fiancée had cheated on him with his friend while he was deployed. At the time, I couldn’t understand how anyone could give up on love because of one horrible person. Now that I’m older, I get it. I was once someone who believed in love and wanted nothing more than to find the love of my life, settle down and raise a family. Along the way, I met people who significantly impacted my perception of relationships and became jaded. I had been non-committal for years because my bad romance conditioning defined me as a person.

The most awesome part of dating someone 25 and younger is that they typically aren’t jaded yet. They have some level of optimism, especially if they’re mature and experienced weird relationships when they were like 15. I’m not so concerned about age at the moment. I really want to find someone who is ready to be in a relationship. Age doesn’t mean a thing because maturity is really rooted in self-awareness and empathy. I don’t know what’s to come, but I do know that I’m looking for a partner, not just someone to fill the space until someone meaningful comes along. I finally feel that I’m ready to be a great partner, mostly because I won’t settle for someone who is just subpar anymore.

Going forward, I will be more honest with my feelings and create clear communication (even if it makes me uncomfortable). I also want to work on:

  • Not being afraid if something doesn’t work out. Sometimes people aren’t meant to stay in your life forever, but to guide you to a lesson you’ll need to know for a significant relationship.
  • I won’t be so afraid of someone cheating on me. I want to explore dating and find out what I really seek in a partnership (like someone who will be a great father).
  • I need to date A LOT! Bring it on hotties!

If you’re in a similar situation or are dating someone weird, let Taylor tell you why it’s hard:

#DoingMe, #EmbraceYourFuckedUpNess, #PCF, ADHD, Ambivert, Anxiety, Boundaries, Dating, Depression, Disability, DSM5, Fears, Friendship, Grad School, Insecurities, Jobs, Kindness, Love, MCH LEND, MSW, Oppression, Poverty, Relationships, Social Anxiety, Social Work, Starting Over

How to Love Someone with Adult ADHD


At the end of my second semester of graduate school, I was so frustrated because I struggled so much to sustain attention in my classes. Throughout the day, I’d have to drink cups and cups of green tea (because I can’t drink coffee) just to stay away during lectures. I was bored to tears because social work is pretty boring shit sometimes. As a fucked up person who thrives on dark humor, I found all the warm and fuzzy stuff super annoying. I like to think I’m a kind person. I try my best not to be a cuntasaurus to people. I just don’t really buy into fluffy PC bullshit and it was a pain in my fucking asshole crevice to feign interest in textbook definitions of generalizations of humanity.

ANYWAY. In addition to figuring out I may not be a good social worker because I don’t like bullshit, I became really depressed because I was so under/overwhelmed with my school assignments. One of my favorite classmates shared that she has Adult ADHD and suggested I see the campus counseling office to have a proper assessment.

My doctor was awesome. She asked me about my childhood during the interview (because it’s usually presented early in life) and I shared that I didn’t do well in elementary school. My Mom used to think I was stupid because I would always come home with “satisfactory” or below grades with comments like “Diane daydreams a lot during class”, “Diane gets distracted easily”, “Diane always asks to go to the bathroom”, “Is Diane getting enough sleep at home?”, “Diane is really lazy and messy”, etc. Children are very impressionable and spent most of my life feeling very insecure about my intelligence. One of my triggers used to be when someone called me stupid because inside I always felt like a dumb fuck.

My doctor prescribed me Ritalin and it changed my life. I got so much done and I started losing a lot of weight because one of the side effects is a loss of appetite. I was skinnier and less sleepy. I was still bored of social work, but I could at least get things done. After about three months, I needed more and more Ritalin to sustain the same “high” (it’s basically Schedule II Meth). At some point, I started feeling like I wanted to die. I didn’t want to harm myself or others. If I saw a facebook post chain letter saying something along the lines of “share this shit with 20 people or the world ends tomorrow”, I’d be happy and spend the next 24 hours drinking moscow mules with my favorite five people waiting for impending doom.

My last year of the MSW program was absolutely miserable. I had so many beautiful opportunities and I was immensely frustrated by my inability to perform well. I landed an amazing clinical practicum at the Tripler Army Medical Center (TAMC) and was supervised by the most amazing clinical social worker. A lot of my classmates were jealous and I didn’t understand why he chose me because I wasn’t smart like everyone else. I had met my mentor at a National Association of Social Worker’s dinner when I received the 2015 MSW scholarship for $1,500. I was also selected to be a trainee with the Maternal and Child Health Bureau’s Leadership Education in Neurodevelopmental and other related Disabilities (MCH LEND) program. A lot of awesome things happened, but I was so engulfed in insecurities and entered my worst bout of depression I ever endured in my life.

This was everyday for nine months:

4AM – Wake up. Feeling like I want to die.

4:10AM – Shower. Still feel like I should just die.

4:45AM – Take Methylphenidate 10mg.

5:20AM – I don’t want to die as much. Ooooo I feel like I could run against Kanye West 2020! #FuckYeah!

5:20AM – Write stuff because people keep telling me to write again. I didn’t post any of this shit because it was mostly garbage since I wasn’t having enough sex during graduate school.

6:00AM – Force feed myself crackers because it’s the only thing that doesn’t make me want to throw up in the morning.

6:10AM – Leave for TAMC so I can find a parking spot.

6:45AM – Cry in my car and convince myself I am a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve nice things. Pleading with God, Jesus, Buddha, Gandhi, Pema Chodron, Gabrielle Bernstein (even though I don’t believe in organized religion) to help me out of feeling like I want to die everyday.

7AM – Telling myself to stop being such a little bitch because it was finally late enough to get into the developmental pediatrics department.

8AM – 3PM – Trying so hard not to have a meltdown in front of my clients. I absolutely loved working with children with special health care needs. I always thought I was horrible with kids because I was an only child. Being surrounded by them for months made me love kids, especially the ones who were ADHD because I saw my inner child in them. I also loved working with the parents because I wish someone had told my parents how to love a child with ADHD. I also assured them consistently that in addition to medication, there are tools that will make their children very resilient.

3PM – 6PM – Writing my clinical notes in the TAMC Medical Library. I don’t know what the fuck happened, but I just couldn’t remember shit. I struggled so much because I was so fixated on my insecurities and stopped listening to people when I felt judged. I also felt so horrible about disappointing my mentor because I consistently manifested my unworthiness and it was probably for him. He said it wasn’t because he’s the coolest guy in the world, but I knew I was fucked up and stupid.

6PM – 6:45PM – Drive home in Honolulu traffic. This was my favorite time of my whole fucking day because I was alone with loud music. I feel most at peace when I listen to loud music. I love my family, but they ask too many questions and all I want to do after a long day taking care of other people is to just be alone and decompress. Most clinicians understand this well, but sometimes their partners feel insecure and get upset. My parents were concerned about me because I stopped eating and I’m sure my Mom heard me cry in the shower all the time. SO there’s that.

6:45pm – 8PM – “Romance” (not about romance with men, romance with each other) talks with Honey Ball (my Mom). My Mom and I don’t always get along, but we’re best friends. My Dad is sweet, but he hates hearing people talk. He’s like a grumpy Englishman who lives in the countryside by choice. All he’s ever wanted in his life was a big TV and silence. Living with two Korean women was by far a really poor decision given his wants in life. He loves us unconditionally, but I know we’re really annoying.


8PM – Shower and cry.

8:30PM – Sleep.

…same fucking thing all over again.

Shortly after I graduated, I finally had time to talk to my psychiatrist about feeling suicidal and asked her if that was normal. She said no. I switched to Adderall and didn’t want to die everyday anymore. I also investigated how to treat ADHD through diet and homeopathic medicine. Since I’m not a scientist, I didn’t do this well. I also met with a “peer counselor” who taught me how to be more organized. She was awesome. Very organized like Sherry Tanaka, MSW and I started getting obsessed with keeping things organized.

People with Adult ADHD are commonly very successful because they learn a lot about resiliency and multi-tasking early in life. They also have a lot of anxiety and do shit really fast because they’re in constant fight or flight mode. Anyone who knew me before I moved to LA knows I’m all over the fucking place. I also don’t give a fuck about what people think when I’m keeping myself busy. I need to be constantly stimulated or I’ll fall asleep or do something impulsive like binge drinking and casual sex.

Once I recognized why I needed all of this stimulation, I felt less horrible about being fucked up. There’s something amazing about being able to identify the core issue of why you’re fucked up. It also helped that I’ve worked in so many different industries. I was able to capitalize on my impassivity from my experience in social work. As a person driven by taking care of others, I am most happy when I’m in a position of service. If I thought I was beautiful, I’d surely be a high-class escort and just make thousands fucking people for money.

With the exception of prescription drugs, LOTS of alcohol, marijuana (I’m from Hawaii, that was inevitable), I’ve never experimented with drugs. I have a very addictive personality so I try my best to maintain balance through keeping myself disciplined. I will buy a bag of Oreos, eat three to feel good and throw it in the trash chute so I don’t eat the whole bag. I tried hiding it on a high shelf, but I almost fell off my counter trying to eat them again. During graduate school, I stopped going out a lot because I didn’t want to be compelled to drink alcohol. That helped out so much because I was starting to feel a lot better. I also started eating more protein versus starches and that made a noticeable difference.

For two months, I had a horrible cough that I thought was asthma. Nothing worked. My Albuterol didn’t do shit. I went to all sorts of doctors and no one knew what the fuck was making me cough. I was miserable and felt so guilty for wanting to die for nine months because I was pretty fucking sure the end was near. In Korean culture, there’s something called the “100-day cough” which I get every July for some reason. It’s so painful and exhausting.

My health became progressively better when my friend Michael referred me to Dr. David Katz. Instead of working on the manifestation of the core issues (mine was an overgrowth of yeast from years of antibiotics and steroids), he works with eliminating the core problem to allow for long-term healing. My scientist #PCF thinks I’m crazy and should see a “real doctor”, but I feel better and that’s all that matters. Chemicals have fast results, but homeopathic medicine takes more time. In the long run,  In addition to weekly visits, I’ve also been eating a lot healthier because I currently spend more time with other gluten-free friends. It’s so much easier to be healthy when the people you spend the most time with are also fucked up and can’t fucking eat break and delicious gnocchi. #FuckUsAll


When it comes to loving someone with Adult ADHD (or anything in the DSM-5) or even your kids, stop trying to make them someone they aren’t. They likely spent most of their lives feeling like shit and outcasted by people who thought they knew more things (fuck off, you don’t). Don’t criticize them for being weird or my worst thing ever, “unstable”. Educate your damn self about whatever the fuck your loved one has going on. Don’t waste our time with your “Adult ADHD is just an excuse for lazy people”. It really hurts my feelings and I decide at that moment that I’m over that person. What’s the point of being friends/lovers/whatever with someone who thinks you’re a lazy piece of garbage? #SorryNotSorry but I’m not going to expend any energy trying to justify myself to someone who won’t even bother to open a fucking book to learn. THAT, in my opinion is lazy. Go fuck yourself! Okay, I’m done now.

Love & Cuddles,

Diane Kawasaki, MSW
Person who happens to have Adult ADHD and doesn’t give 1/16 of a fuck if that makes you uncomfortable.